Matthew - Gift of God

Even though it has been five years ago, it seems like just yesterday that we learned that the little baby we were so eagerly expecting had died. In this post I will tell you our story and then do a follow up about what we learned during this time in our lives.



"Each life is infinitely precious...and we are richer for having been touched by each, no matter how briefly."

We were thrilled to be expecting our third child. Many of our close friends were also due with a baby at the same time and that just made this pregnancy even more exciting -although from the start the pregnancy was rough. I had been sick with the other two pregnancies but this one was more intense. Adam was gone on business trips most of that fall, and we were worried about my mom who had her own   health concerns. Nathan, just three, woke up most nights with night terrors (that deserves a post on its own). Between lack of sleep and the nausea, I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with no ending. Deep down inside I had a gnawing feeling that something was wrong with this pregnancy. I felt very unsettled. During the previous months, the Lord softened my heart and showed me what grace was. My soul sang to my Redeemer and although I knew in my head that He would sustain me in difficult moments, I had yet to experience it. Somehow I felt that He was leading me on a path that would show me His sustaining strength.
At 19 weeks gestation it was time for an ultrasound. I booked it on my birthday because then Adam could come along and we could go out for dinner afterwards. Right before the ultrasound I became very nervous to the point of trembling. I was scared, but I kept this to myself. The ultrasound technician would first do the examination and then she would allow Adam into the room to see the baby for himself. As I laid there with a very full bladder I convinced myself that everything was all right. The tech looked at the computer screen for a moment and then pressed the cold gelled prop onto my swollen belly. With a blank look on her face she turned off the computer and told me that she would be back in a moment. The minutes stretched on and as I laid there in the dark room, I had never felt so lonely. I fought panic rising within me. Twenty minutes later she returned and told me that a doctor would be by to meet me. I asked her if the baby was okay and she just nodded a sympathetic no. I asked her to get Adam. Poor Adam came in expecting to see glimpses of our unborn baby but instead he was lead to a sobbing wife.
God provided us with a Christian doctor who understood our grief and offered much comfort.
Later on at my parents home, my dad read to us a devotion that was sent to him that morning. "Be strong and of good courage, and do not fear or be dismayed, for the Lord God will be with you."
(1Chronicles 28:20) Corrie ten Boom wrote "Jesus, thank You that because of Your constant presence, I am never alone. Hold my hand tightly, Lord. Although afflictions may torment me, they can never defeat me." That devotion was another provision from the Lord.
Later on that evening our dear Pastor came over and read to us from Isaiah 40. He prayed for us and listened to our sorrow. I will never forget his quiet strength and presence. Tante Riek also came and sat with us that evening. This godly woman has meant so much to me and has had numerous trials in her own life. Just by sitting beside us, she brought much comfort.
I felt like I was thrown into a spin cycle. Who do we call? How do you call with terrible news? Do I have to go through a normal labour? Do we have a private funeral?
We had so many questions but God led us through each minute. In our church there is a group of women that unofficially come along side those who have had a miscarriage. Their reaching arms meant so much to us as they told me what to expect with the labour, postpartum, and helped take care of our family.
Two days later I was induced at home. At supper time when the contractions became close together I went to the hospital and there I was put in a private room for the delivery. Instead of eager excitement, I was full of dread about what would lie ahead. Physical pain is one thing but the thought of holding our unborn baby for the first and last time was anguish. We were blessed with an amazing nurse that anticipated our every need. Soon our little son, Matthew, was born. We held our perfectly formed baby and wept over what was not to be.
Two days after that we had a private funeral with just Adam, myself, and our Pastor. It was a snowy, wet day and as we stood there by the little white box it was so hard to think that the cold weather would not harm our little baby and that we would be leaving him there all alone. We felt so raw and tired, that we didn't even know how to pray.  The prayers of our friends, family, and complete strangers sustained us and gave us strength.We knew that the same God who was holding us in His tender arms, was also holding our little Matthew.